10 years later: I I

It happens around this time of the year. The weather begins cooling down just a little bit. My days get a little shorter. The cool morning air meets just the right criteria for my mind to connect with nostalgia and so begins this two week long date. As it has happened for the last 10 years, with exceptions in between. The late August breeze brings with it an emotional state that only recently did I become aware of because the breeze didn't just blow through, it tends to stick around and create a little whirlpool around me of emotions, memories, and research.
I can still remember the ingredients of that fateful morning. A late-morning wake-up for me as I did not attend school on September 11, 2001. This morning began with a tune-in to the morning news shortly after 8:00 am. The apartment windows were open, the sun was out, the day seemed to be just another one were my High School attendance problem was the biggest one I had for that day. I soon settled onto the sofa, switched over to MTV for a few music videos (these still exist nowadays I hear). I still vividly remember having a hunch as to saying "Turn to the news right now. You won't believe this". This was that moment many of us were not sure what to make of. For me, seeing one of the Twin Towers on fire and living in New York City, this was something the Fire Department would have under control within the day. Nevertheless, I thought "Years from now not many people are going to remember this incident. The tower will be fixed almost as if nothing happened to it and many people will forget this plane incident even happened." I sat there listening, watching, and becoming sensitive to the news of people jumping to their deaths from the burning tower.
This was major news to report to my family but alas no one was home at this time of the day. My sisters were in school, my Mother, who usually stays at home, on this morning had a special medical appointment, and my Father, I had an idea were he could be at this time of day, he could be as close to this accident as so many others, he could be inside the towers. It was not long until I reached my Father and was assured he only heard the accident from where he was which was only a mile or two away from the World Trade Center. Before long, this accident would be known as an attack.
It was soon after talking to my Mother that the second plane hit. Now I was not able to use the phone line as it was out of service and when it had service all I got was a busy tone. The day began rolling along, a big change of pace hit New Yorkers and America for that matter, this was a state of desperation, of anxiety, of fear, of pain. Phone communication was down but my prayers were going out in any case. I still remember that moment where I knelled down and used the faith I had as a young teenager, this moment was unlike any other and filled with a lot of uncertainty. It wasn't long until my Mother and I somehow were able to get transportation and pick up my sisters from school. Car accidents were happening almost left and right on our way back home on the bus. After we arrived home, it was a matter of hope and faith that my Father would soon arrive. Much, much earlier than usual my Father arrived, a little panicked and shaken up by what he was witness to while in the vicinity of the area.
This story is much like the hundreds or thousands of others. Families losing their loved ones, friends losing friends, authorities being lost in this pandemonium. And my story is just like theirs. It gives me chills to think of the similar stories I share with so many others around this day. For me, it was a family member whom was lost in the World Trade Center. A friend of my Father's, Juan Armando Ceballos, is actually one of the reasons I am here, alive, writing this. Juan welcomed my Father to his apartment in Queens when my Father had no other place to go in Chile.
My Father and I are communicating now. We've almost always had communication but only now are we able to reconnect on a deeper level. From what I remember my Father sharing with me shortly after Juan was listed as missing in the World Trade Center attack, he was friends with Juan in Chile. Juan moved to the U.S. and reported back to his fellow comrades that he was enjoying life and invited those looking for a better life abroad. Soon it was my Father's turn.
Sometime in the early 2000s, as my Father and I drove through Queens, he pointed out the building in which the apartment he shared with Juan. If I were to drive around Queens I could point out the building from memory. I kept that memory to help me piece together part of why I am here, to help me remember with gratitude those pieces, the people that supported and helped me be created. In a position like this, this memory would be one to cherish for the rest of my life.
This past week I was pulled away from my work, I was really pulled away from my work. I eerily moved to my computer and began researching. This, I became aware, was a trend I have been active with for the past 9-10 years most likely since 9/11. I Googled '9/11 research', 'New information about World Trade Center, I moved to Youtube and looked up videos related to the attack. As I went from video to video, I looked at the time, I was removed from my work for what was now a little over an hour.
It occurred to me to step away from this moment and step into myself. I began seeking my emotions. I realized there was some pain, sadness, and confusion. I really wanted to know more about the attack, about how this could have happened. I realized that for all the years I did this, I was not satisfied with the information I had about the attack. I wanted to get clearer, I wanted to be more comfortable with more information. And now, I have that power. Now I realize I have the power to have all of this and more and not unconsciously go and keep searching for something I had no idea I was going after.
Beyond this, there is also a sense of closure, recognition, and gratitude that I still have not experienced. The lack of having any of this pulls me to obsessively need to keep looking for something.
Two weeks before 9/11 I delivered to the World Trade Center. I was on some floor in one of the towers. Pre-9/11 my Father and I would deliver packages to the area around the World Trade Center without issues. I have not visited the ground zero area since 9/11. I have at times purposely stayed away from the area.
This year is different. At the ten year mark, I intend on changing this pattern. I will be at ground zero for the first time in 10 years. I hope to pay my respects and bring a sense of closure to the magnitude of pain that comes to me around this time of year. With Love,