Mayday Mayday!

Indeed, I am listening to Mayday Parade's newest album right now (one of their best albums) as I finish off my vacation in Western Massachusetts. However, the title of this blog is also tied to the story and concept I am about to present. Earlier today, as I was blueberry picking with my friend, we came to the story about my relationship. Funny enough, this came up because she was asking me "So, do you have another story to share when you're talking about how Nonviolent Communication has given you an awareness of what's going on for you?" this question coming after I shared a story of how my Mother was the first person to really ask me about my feelings (shortly after the 9/11 catastrophe). I had to stop, however, and think about the question summoned to me today. "Was there another time I became aware of how Nonviolent Communication has given me an awareness of my feelings and needs?" I thought. I took a deep breath.
I began with a concept my mentor shared at one of our workshops. It goes something along these lines 'If you have fun and get support with your partner when you're outside with him or her in the garden but you really don't have fun when you both are in the kitchen, don't ask your partner for support in the kitchen. Be aware of where your level of fun and support are met for you and obviously the kitchen is not one of those places". When introduced with this concept I thought "There it is, there's the answer to so many things! Duh!" Ok so how does this relate to my past relationship? Well it actually relates to all of my relationships. I will explain the whole romantic relationship part later though once you get the idea, hopefully.
My close friend of 10+ years and I have a lot of fun, at least the fun that I'm looking for and wanting, I can enjoy with my friend. We play video games, basketball, we bike together, Ok don't get the wrong idea, we're just friends, just know that we're best of buds because we have a shared-reality in many things. In short, I really enjoy having fun with my friend because of the ease, understanding, and trust I share with him. Here is where the concept my teacher presented comes in, ready? So, I really enjoy the level of fun I have with my friend when we play basketball. It's just that simple. If I wanna play basketball and have fun, well one way I can do that is just call my friend and ask him if he wants to play. Now, my friend has shared that he's probably not the best cook nor is he the best person to ask to go food shopping for one. Ok, Antonio is out of the picture, here in comes this thing called common sense, Hi, nice to meet you. Lets see, so you enjoy playing basketball with your friend because you have fun but now you would really enjoy having someone help you cook...hmm... ok who is the first person right off this piece of writing you know NOT to ask? Hmm tough one. Oh wait your friend said he's not too good at cooking, your friend! Don't ask your friend! Alright, I'm back (kicked common sense out of here cause I have control when writing). So, I probably wouldn't ask my friend to help me cook. He's stated it's not the thing he really feels comfortable doing and so I already know to probably not bring him into the picture. Look, I'm not saying don't try things, but if you're anything like me and don't like miscommunication or conflict happening too often in life then keep it simple. I'm not saying don't trust your friends with other things in life that they may not be the too good at but unless you're up for teaching them something you want them to be good at, your friendship will be more like a student and teacher context. Personally, I enjoy keeping my friendship as a friendship. What I am saying, is choose those qualities you enjoy the best of your friend, those things they rock at and you enjoy as well.
"Regrets, I've had a few but then again too few to mention" is what Frankie blue eyes sings and is maybe easier said than done when you ask many people. Do I regret not selecting the qualities I enjoy the best from friends and partner in the past? Sure. I wish I had the tools I have now to make life more awesome back then as it is now. But it is because of what I know now and the ability to live by what I know that makes life so wonderful and allows me to regret so little. So, I ask you? How would your life and the life of those you really care about and love be if you focused on those things that they do well? I'm not saying asking your uncle to do that burp trick over and over again just because he can beat anyone you bring over to the house and even though you ask him to do it you don't really like it at all but then again you think "how else am I going to introduce my uncle who is shy and doesn't do anything but burp and think it's funny?" Again, this is about selection. Were you to focus and notice the care your uncle has with children and how warmhearted you feel because your need for care and peace are met when you see this then hey, well, hold on lets stop right here. Deep breath in... and out. You're feeling warmhearted because your need for care and peace are met when you see this from uncle, hmm, makes me feel very happy to hear this from you, oh wait this is just an example, ok so, wonderful. Feeling: warmhearted Needs: Care, Peace. Time to think outside the box, but before that lets jump in the box so we know how to get out of it. In the box you have your uncle doing his burp trick and this may meet your need for fun, laughter, and connection yet you feel embarrassed and maybe even self-conscious. We haven't left the box yet because this is how we're thinking "Oh the only way to introduce my uncle and hopefully create a connection between my uncle and whoever I bring over to the house is to have him do the burp trick". OUT OF THE BOX, here we go. Now you know that you enjoy Peace and Care especially when you see your uncle meeting those needs for you. Well then you just had a breakthrough! Celebrate!!! YAY! How do you keep on celebrating and feeling pretty good? Well, let's see, how many other ways can you experience Peace and Care? My mentor teaches that there are 10,000 ways to meet a need, so in this case, we found one way: seeing your uncle work with children. 9,999 ways to go. But wait, you wanted Peace and Care in this context, with your uncle. Ok so another example of possibly trying to experience Peace and Care with your uncle: tell your uncle you would like to introduce him to your friends and guests you bring over to the house with a card trick that he may be able to show them. 9,998 ways to go. I hope you get the idea. So there you have it, go have some more love with your family. In all seriousness, I have found this concept to not only work but as well give me what I had been looking for with my family: connection. I am going to stop writing now. It's getting late and I would like some rest. Read on. I will continue this soooooon. Until then, get familiar with the concept :)