The other day I hid my pain. It came out a different way and I didn't control it. My pain was coming out through words. Words I didn't think of and things I never thought about. I now realize that if I am going to know myself more I must master all of me. I must master the feelings that come out and I don't know that they are coming out. I am most surprised by some dumb things I said. I know I said them because, with all due respect I know what this person who I was talking to, shouldn't deserve. I have been taught but most of all I have experienced myself firsthand the lesson of respect.
I respect this person with all my might and all of my love, they mean a lot and by that same token I am in the rightful position to share my opinion of someone they like. I do not think she really likes him or else she would be serious about it and ask for space and keep her distance from me. I was confused about why we would still see each other even though she likes someone but now I realize she does have feelings for me, she does care about me, she still loves me. She may love me and like someone at the same time but that is not showing respect for either one of us nor herself.
I don't think she knows how this looks and how much it hurts me. It is one thing to love someone and see them but keep distance but it is another to like someone and still see the one you love. I have said it time and time again, I am not easy to figure out, I am like a puzzle but it never ends. There is not one single thing I have not given to person without love! I once read "I was made in love and that is how I will die". If I die today I die loving many souls but most all mine's.
This time for me has been all about me! I have given myself indulgences, pampering, gifts, time, luxuries, and it has all given me more love for myself. I guess I keep giving this person my all and only the best of me because I really love them and no one else deserves that from me. She must learn to love herself.
She must see the beauty I see on her and within her. Stars shine from her eyes, there's bright light when she's around, her hands and skin are as soft as smooth silk, her words are always taken in. I do not think she trusts herself, she doesn't have the confidence to either like someone or to love someone because she has to learn to like everything about her and love herself, she must be kind to her body and let it rest in order to be energized and powerful. It's crazy how I see and know all of this because she didn't lack it at all when we started going out and that is why I really liked her, she had so much love for herself and that is why it took us so long to really love each other because we had a lot of love for ourselves first! This has been a topsy turvy time and I have been very puzzled by all of this. I will need time to recover, heal, and bring more love to myself.
Every night I go to sleep with a small stone, it is rose quartz. My friend says it has a lot of love power whether it gives it off or brings it to me, it is all about love. There is one side that all the stone talks about and cares about is me. On the other side it tells about her and allows me to connect with her. The stone is powerful and very telling. I see and feel a lot of love for myself and it is all I will bring to me. I see a lot of confusion and loss for her and not sure of where to go or what to do. There is one image I remember of her when I touched the stone. She was standing in front of the library we used to meet at in NYC. She wasn't sure of anything else to do but wait for me. On any regular day when we started going out and she was full or powerful lovingness for herself there's a million things she could've been doing. I remember walking up to her while she had a puppy face on and saying to me "I don't know what  I'm doing". I send her love, confidence, trust, and everything else that is good when I go to sleep with the stone and hope that one day she will wake up to it all again.